Parents: Think About How You Communicate

Parents – what you say, especially the words you use will always be an important aspect of how your relationship evolves with your children but how you communicate this, even more so!

Sharing an example that will help you understand its importance.

With the IGCSE and A levels results (both International qualifications for Grade X and XII respectively) being declared yesterday, the euphoria and anxiety levels is widely captured by insta posts. Schools celebrating achievements (and in small print if they are honest, statistically telling you a very small percentage didn’t make it). The narrative is always about achievements and never about solutions for those who did not; and let alone schools, the atmosphere at home must be very tensed for children who did not. For those who did, the celebrations continue with dreams soaring high, and rightly so!

As part of a counselling session with a mother and her son yesterday, I was grateful that the scenario that I feared about ‘disappointments’ was not all that bleak. In a highly competitive yet aspirational country like ours, ‘failure’ means you are written off immediately.

This mother reached and requested an SOS meeting with her son late last evening. Usually, parents who come to me want ‘the best’ and they want to know how to optimise. This request however was about the road ahead about a child who failed to clear the crucial board examination.

I listened to the mother explain the results, and looked at the son with his head down who was embarrassed that someone else (a stranger for him) also now knew that he had not made it. I felt his pain.

But once we started talking, it was one of the most interesting conversations I have had in a long time.

But before I get into my conversation with the son, I must say as a fellow mother, I was moved by this lady’s empathy and compassion. She admitted that she had been busy with work and juggling many hats; personally, not in a good space, and perhaps the neglect had lent its hand in what happened. It was not an apology but an admission that she wished she could turn back the clock and reset but she took full responsibility to say that she needed a conversation about solutions and next steps, accepting that this was also an opportunity to learn. It takes courage to admit this, and great confidence to stand up for her son when the world would judge. She was a proud mother who believed in her son, just not the system. She believed her son did not put in the necessary effort, did not seek help either so while identifying what went wrong was an important reflection, the point was about solutions going forward. I liked the spirit. Not hiding or deflecting the responsibility to the poor teachers or the school, not blaming luck or circumstances but accepting this.

I wanted to ask the young man whether he felt this too but I waited till he was comfortable.

Somehow I knew he was a gamer by the clothes and the backpack (don’t ask me how but I sense these things) and we broke the ice by discussing where he felt the industry was headed – coding, playing, esports etc. Having worked with middle and high school students, I had to admit hearing him was a pleasure for he came across knowledgeable, articulate with a great sense of humour and clearly was a reader as well for he cited examples that indicated that the child had depth beyond those grades he had managed. Soon discovered he loved statistics and was doing well in the football and cricket fantasy league games; had strong opinions about the geo political environment in the world, very interested in the stock market and loved chemistry as a subject when growing up.

The child did not hesitate to share and I suspect (which he confirmed later) this was because I didn’t ask him what went wrong or what he wanted to become, or hope to achieve. He was relieved I had not written him off as most people in his family who had heard the news did, especially his father who had called him a loser.

So we discussed his interests, and what he remembered of his childhood, and his passion areas which by the end, he laughed and said he had no idea he had so many interests. We discussed friendships and how his journey had been in school through Covid, even debated whether childhood for his mum or him was harder.

I am going to cut a long story short by saying that the child in my opinion was authentic, intelligent and very enthusiastic about learning just not conforming. And sometimes I feel our system does nothing for students who are not ‘conventional’ thinkers, but rather original and spirited and standardised tests may not reveal their potential fully. They need to be heard and given some space.

We discussed his challenges with time management and anxiety, and he was very open to speaking to a counsellor for his emotional regulation, including assessing himself for a learning disability. We discussed next steps about a re-exam, taking some time off and short courses that will help him explore what he wished to pursue (and I specifically asked him to list down reasons for completing a graduation degree) and speaking to a career counsellor that can help him plan his path ahead should he wish to go overseas. We discussed about journaling, and re-thinking about his friend circle influence and that it was ok to be disinterested in some things that his age group thrive on. We discussed taking on an internship job which his mother could arrange as work experience … we discussed that there were many doors open, and there was a way to make a good opportunity. Retaking an exam was one, taking entrance exams another, gap year etc.

The mother sat there listening intently, and by the end of the discussion which lasted for hours, I was at peace knowing the child and the parent had action points for the road ahead.

I received a message this morning from the mother when I asked her if I could share their story in my blog:

“Fatema, my son smiled in a long time last night. Asked me if we could go out for a meal and celebrate. I cannot tell you how happy that made us as parents. After a long time, we have chatted as we used to just the four of us and my son has hope. If this can help some other child, please share.”

For all of us in the education space, we need to start thinking about how we will support those that do not get the A, B and Cs. Are we missing the potential because we just don’t see beyond the grades?

I hope we do. Because I hope 10 years from now this child will lead the way with his one failure. Don’t confuse this for believing that I am saying grades don’t matter, just saying we need to think about mentoring a lot more in schools before the children take their exams and work with the parents a lot more to ensure there is success. In my opinion the child should not have failed. So, we need to reflect on how we could have prevented it!