As we sat down to dinner last night, I asked my 17-year-old son, “What do you think is the toughest thing that middle and high school students face?”
Without batting an eyelid, he replied, “That’s easy. Relationships.”
“You mean romantic relationships?” I asked, genuinely puzzled. I never saw this coming.
“Don’t be silly, Mama. Friends. When we’re in elementary school we are friends with everyone. But as we get older, we look for connections, for our tribe, and it’s hard to find friends where you feel you belong. It takes time,” said my wise, eleventh grader.
I was floored. I consider myself to be a very hands-on parent, very clued in to what both my sons are experiencing, but never once did I sense this dilemma, this struggle, in either of my sons. He undeniably, though, made a very valid point. Difficulty in making or maintaining friendships is such a loaded box to unpack. It’s something so many adults struggle with too.
Some friendships come with such clarity. There is just too much in common for these people to not be friends. You can see the common interests and likes. It’s a visible, almost tangible thing. But then how does one temper the competitiveness that might creep in? I’m not just referring to a sport here, though that would be the first thing that comes to mind. But, for example, a teen who loves to sing, who befriends another passionate singer, only to start feeling that he or she is not as good as they once thought they were.
Other friendships come with no apparent or obvious reason for connection–there is nothing in common that meets the eye. There is no chance of competitiveness ruining the relationship, but how does one find a link that sustains interest over time; a link that binds the friendship?
There are other complexities too–peer pressure, cliques, lack of properly developed social skills, introvertedness or shyness, romantic crushes which do not work out, communication gaps, cyberbullying, online friendships that seem so much easier than real ones. At the end of the day, my mom brain kicks in–I know that healthy relationships require boundaries, communication, and some degree of self-awareness. These come with practise and with time. Off the top of my head, I immediately think of “solutions” to fix this–to remind our teens to always seek support from an adult they trust, to express their feelings in any way they can, to engage in hobbies or physical activities, to realize that healing takes time and patience. But the last thing I want to do here is to preach solutions to the teachers and parents reading this. My intention is just to raise an awareness that navigating through friendships is a tricky area for our middle and high school students–though they might not even show it. And that some of those grumpy, grunty, monosyllabic replies that we receive might just be due to this pulling them down in the background.
